Focusing on the Positive Over the Negative in Relationships

This information is from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, PH.D, with my thoughts added.

Happily married couples are able to keep their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive thoughts and feelings. Rather than creating a climate of disagreement and resistance, they embrace each other’s needs. When addressing a partner’s request, their motto tends to be a helpful, “Yes and…” rather than a “Yes, but….” The positive attitude not only allows them to maintain but also to increase the sense of romance, play, fun, adventure, and learning together that are at the heart of any long-lasting love affair.

If you think about the beginning of your relationship before everything got more serious and more complicated, you likely remember lots of positive moments. This is what made you fall in love and want to get more serious with your partner.

Obviously this is not asking you to just overlook large problems like infidelity, money mismanagement, lying, abuse, etc. What it is talking about is all the day-to-day annoyances that can come up when two people with two different points of view choose to do life together. It is easy to get wrapped up in the stress of jobs, childrearing or other family responsibilities and focus only on your partner’s negative qualities, assuming if they can just change those, life would be better. This is a common trap to fall into. In reality, focusing on their positive qualities will make your marriage happier.

How are you doing at keeping your negative feelings about your partner from overwhelming your positive feelings? To help you to think about the positive qualities in your partner, list five things you love about them. It may even be helpful to list these in your phone to refer to in moments where you aren’t feeling so positive.